FanFic-Helen's Emancipation (S3 Ep16 Spoiler)

SPOILER ALERT - Takes you to the end of Series 3

DISCLAIMERS: Bad Girls and all its characters are property of Shed Productions. The author implies no ownership of these characters, and they are used in the stories without permission solely for entertainment and not for profit.

NOTE: This is my take on Helen's thought process from dinner with Thomas to standing outside with Nikki.



“I’ve been hurt before by someone who was not honest with me…but, you, Helen, you’re not even being honest with yourself.”

I cannot believe he just walked out like that. What does he mean, I’m not being honest…I’ve totally been honest with myself. I understand that I had feelings…real feelings for Nikki, for a woman…I get that…I know that I cannot rule out a relationship with a woman as a possibility in the future, but I really like Thomas…I really do…and we get on really well together.

I know I have a fear of being different, of standing out, and that I need structure in my life, but that’s not being dishonest, that’s just making a choice that I have the right to make… don’t I?

I need to get out of this restaurant…I need to think.

Walking into my house, I am unsettled. She was here not so long ago and I still feel her presence.

I can also still feel that first kiss. It was unexpected… or was it? I think I wanted her to kiss me, I just did not expect the immediate explosion of emotion and overpowering desire that stemmed from it. I felt her lips on mine…they were on fire. I felt that kiss to the depths of my being and all things were made clear in that instant… my lack of passion for Sean, or with any man I had ever been with… my fear of intimacy… It all made sense and I was terrified. So, I ran. But I can still feel her lips on mine.


“I’m not your jailer anymore…”

What purity in that kiss which I initiated. I just wanted to show her how I felt and this physical expression was the only tool I had. I knew of no other way. And I wanted her lips on mine once again. The feeling of falling, yet being held up, were both wrapped up in that kiss. Such confusion, yet such sweetness.


“Tell me you love me”

I can recall that moment with such clarity. My heart was in my throat. I’ve never felt such pain and joy at once. I wanted to fall into her arms and never leave. Of course, I loved her.

But I had a duty as well. She was a convicted criminal. She had to go through the proper channels for her appeal to succeed. Being here could have jeopardized everything…her freedom, justice, our life together.

My God, is that what I really want? A life with this woman who can so easily frustrate me. But was that frustration caused by her words or actions or by my own inner turmoil. I don’t know how to figure this out. I don’t have the ability to look within. I have always relied on my training and knowledge and things made sense. But to rely on some instinct that goes against all I’ve become comfortable with…how do I do that?


“If I didn’t feel the way I feel…”

That was the only time I was really able to talk about this new turn my life has taken. I wish I had had someone to talk to…someone other than Nikki, because we never had the kind of time together that it would have taken for me to ask all the questions I had. I had so much confusion and fear and no answers to my questions. How did other people deal with this? How do you get rid of the doubt? Maybe I would not have run so fast when the going got tough, if I had understood myself and this life I was living a little better.


“You risked a career you loved to be with her”

I told her I would risk everything to be with her after I finally told her I loved her. Why did it take me so long? Maybe because once I said those words, I could never go back to denial. But Thomas saw it clearly, more clearly than even I do now. My career defined me and made some sense out of my life. Coming to the realization that I could want a woman with such intensity, has shaken it all up for me.

So why am I sitting here and dwelling on this break-up with Thomas? Didn’t he just do me a favor? Didn’t I just get freed to love the person I’m meant to love? But, how do I do that now, after all the harsh words and recriminations and being let down and letting her down? Do I even deserve another chance? Look at how I disappointed her… all the things I said…how my fear caused me to lash out. Can I risk the possibility of being rejected? If I just leave it, this pain in my chest will go away and maybe I’ll never know. And maybe that uncertainty is all I can have. Maybe that one night was all I’m allowed because I cannot be true and honest. So I guess, Thomas was right after all. Damn him.

Tomorrow is the verdict on her appeal. I want to be there, but cannot bear to see her look away from me. I know Trish will be there. They are sure to reconcile. Nine years was a long time to be with someone and Nikki’s sure to have forgiven Trish for leaving. I have no right to be there. I left too.

And I have not been honest with myself or with her. She needs to know where I stand, if… if what? How do I tell her now that I love her, that I know that she is my destiny, that I realize that all my schoolgirl crushes on my teachers were real and not just a desire to be a strong woman like them when I grew up. I have always preferred the company of women, but I never cleared away the scales to see that I have always loved the women in my life a little too much. Like Claire. I guess I did have a crush on her at uni, and I knew she was gay, and that was no matter. I could have saved myself, and the men I dated lots of heartache, if I had realized then that I was a lesbian. Maybe I could not have handled it then though. Maybe some people are just supposed to be late bloomers. Okay, there’s some honesty… some self examination. I can do this.


“Tell me you love me”

Such an innocence and a certainty in that simple request. But, the words wouldn’t come out. I was overwhelmed by a physical attraction I had never even come close to feeling before. It took but a moment and a look into those golden eyes containing a love that was immovable and I forgot all else, except that a dream I never even knew I had was coming true. We kissed and began to undress each other and fell onto the couch. The next two hours are a blur. I know we ended up in my bed. I know we made love with such passion and tenderness and honesty that my heart breaks at the thought of never having that again. And I know that the night ended very badly. Who was I trying to protect? Myself? Or Nikki from me? She did not deserve this fear and doubt in her life. Is it doubt though, really? On some level I am so content being with her. Yet, we never had much time to share our thoughts and concerns. How do I determine that it’s real? I think I just know it is, but that the situation was so impossible that I couldn’t handle it. And she shouldn’t have to. I do love her in a way that you can only love your soul mate, your lover. Okay, that I know for sure. Is it enough?


“Nicola Wade, you are free to go”

I wish I could have been there to hear those words. But sitting in this bar in the middle of the day waiting on any news of the trial is hard enough. Knowing she’s fighting for her life breaks my heart and I’m there with her in spirit fighting just as hard. I hope it’s enough. I have not prayed much lately. My faith used to be a source of comfort, despite my father’s role in getting me to church. My faith was my own. But I find myself in silent prayer now. “Lord, let this be your will… let her be freed…let her still love me. I know you brought us together and we mucked it up all along the way, but if we get another chance, I promise I will love and cherish her forever.”

The news is on and SHE’S FREE! God, she looks beautiful! I feel my eyes brim with tears and my heart swell with pride at her words. At Nikki on her soapbox, at her abundance of love in taking a moment to let me know she forgives me.

But does she still want me? What should I do? Do I go to her now? Will she welcome me or reject me? I have to know, if I’m being honest, right?


“How did you find out I was here?”

Why am I so nervous? She’s a foot away and I’m acting like a total prat. My smile hurts, it’s so forced.

“I’d never have done it without you, Helen.”

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

Finally, the right words form in my mouth. Here’s my chance, she’s invited me in.

“Nikki…”

And as I see Trisha glaring at me, I know I’m too late. She’s starting a new life with her. So I find a way to get out of the bar. I’m about to suffocate, but I keep my smile in place and say some polite words.

As the glare of the sun hits my eyes, I feel weak. Yet, I cannot make myself leave. Should I go back in and make a total fool of myself and ask for another chance? Should I stand here on the sidewalk hoping she comes after me? This can’t be it, can it?

As she flies out of the doorway, I am struck by how sexy she looks in her long coat… and I am hopeful. I get her attention. She’s polite and respectful, hesitant even, when all I want to do is grab her face and kiss those delicious lips. I have to tell her I know. I have to tell her I’m certain. I have to tell her I love her. She needs to know the doubt is gone.

“But I want a woman!”

I should say that I want her specifically, but I’m afraid of her response, so I go silent, waiting, hoping, praying. She looks away. Please, no! But when she speaks, relief floods my being. NOW, she wants to take things slowly. No way. I want all of her as fast as I can have her. Before kissing her, I say a prayer of thanks and look into her eyes, knowing I will be loved for the rest of my life and that I am free to love only her fully and honestly in return.

THE BEGINNING!